I am Both Trans and Gay

I am a transgender man and I like trans dating. I did not come out as transgender until I was 25. Why did it take it so long for me to come out and transition? The short answer is that I grew up in Texas in the 90s and had no idea that trans men existed and they can be gay looking for parnters on gay dating apps. At the time, I thought that I might be gay if I were a man. But I am not gay. I am bisexual. Growing up in Texas in the 90s, no matter how I felt inside, I was conditioned to believe that I was a girl who liked boys. I did. i do like boys, but any thoughts of liking girls pushed way deep down. Even deeper down than my suspicious that I probably should have been born a boy to begin with. That one actually thought about quite a lot. So when I stumbled on an Oprah special. One day after middle school about transgender kids, my mind was blown.

Here were kids about my age who had been assigned female at birth, but whose parents were letting them live as the boys they’d always known themselves to be. Now that I think about it, if that counts, that was like the first time that I actually saw myself reflected back in the media. I remembered spending the whole time watching it thinking about how it applied to me and I could maybe talk to my mom about it and start living like those boys were. But towards the end of the episode, Oprah asked one of the teenage boys if he liked girls and he said yes, which made sense to me because he was a boy, so of course he liked girls. But then I thought about it as it applied t me and this whole new revelation came crashing down around me. Because I did not like girls. I probably did. But I didn’t want to. Because the culture that I grew up in Texas had me so scared to think about girls in that way when I was also being told I was a girl that I was frankly disgusted and terrified by the thought, even if liking girls would have made me “straight” as a trans boy, even still, I couldn’t get my brain to a place where it wasn’t terrifying to think about the idea of liking girls. That’s how deeply conditioned I was with homophobia. Besides, I really did like boys.

I didn’t know if I could give up liking boys for the sake of getting to live as my true self. Even if all I thought nearly every minute of every day as a pre-teen was this imaginary world where I was a boy with a boyfriend. Because apparently, according to this Oprah special I saw, trans boys like girls. Oprah said it, so it had to be true. I couldn’t find any other example of trans boys out there, and certainly not any of trans men. So I just continued on growing up believing that I alone had been born with this awful curse of being both trans and gay. Like as if that was some improbable combination that no one else in the world possessed. And that it made me so weird that I could never tell anyone, could ever do anything about it.

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